


Unspoken

by MidnightCity



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, POV Douglas, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-10-20 10:49:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20674148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightCity/pseuds/MidnightCity
Summary: Four times Douglas thought that he is in love with Martin, and one time he was sure.





	1. Chapter 1

“Arthur, how do you know it was Martin?” Douglas asked. Arthur had to be wrong. It couldn’t be Martin. That would be absurd.

“I was holding on to his belt!”

_And here it was, _Douglas thought bitterly. He wasn’t even sure what had happened. Even less, where Martin was at the moment. The smoke in the fuselage was too thick to see. Had Martin passed out? If so, had his mask slipped during the fall and now his lungs were slowly filling with smoke?

Douglas took a deep breath. He knew that he had to take control of the situation. So he cut through their argument and asked, “Never mind that now, is Martin all right?”

“I think so, my screen's a bit misted up,” Arthur began.

Maybe everything would be all right and Martin had only tripped over something, Douglas hoped. Even something told him that that wouldn’t happen. After all, he still hadn’t responded. Douglas desperately wanted for everything to be okay again.

To his own horror, he watched Arthur pull off his mask and start coughing desperately. “Oh for god’s …” he muttered and grabbed Arthur by the wrist. He couldn’t find his smoke hood, so he shoved him in Carolyn’s arms. “Get him out of here.”

“What about …”

“I’ll take care of Martin,” Douglas stated. “I’m the only one who can carry him.”

Then he heard Carolyn and Arthur walk away, leaving the fuselage. Douglas got on his keens and blindly padded along the floor until he made contact with Martin’s arm. He took a hold of it and shook it slightly.

“Martin?” 

But he got no response, so he reached up and checked if the mask was still in place. A breath of relief escaped him, at least that seemed to be okay. He wasn’t inhaling any smoke.

As he placed his fingers at the side of Martin’s neck, he felt a strong but fast pulse. _Okay. _He told himself, it could be so bad then. But they still needed to get out of here. Fake or not, the smoke and heat wasn’t good. As long as Douglas couldn’t see through the smoke, he wasn’t able to help Martin.

So, Douglas propped him against his chest and hooked Martin’s legs underneath his arm. He grunted feeling his weight heavy in his arms. What was he so skinny for when he was still so heavy? Douglas repressed the thought that it might be because Martin was unresponsive. Douglas would have given everything to hear a sarcastic comment from him, or something awkwardly stuttered about being carried.

Instead he got nothing. That tore more at him than he thought possible. So when he stepped out of the fuselage and saw Mr. Sargent shake his head at him, he couldn’t even bother to pretend that he cared.

Martin was his top priority at the moment. He placed him as gently as he managed on the floor and quickly removed his mask, so that he could breathe in fresh air without any disturbance. Then he took off his own mask, and mentally went through what to do in case of a medical emergency.

He began by checking if Martin could breathe freely. So he placed his hand close to his mouth and as soon as he felt warm air hit the palm of it he went to the next part. He had to move Martin to the recovery position because the last thing he wanted was to have him choke on vomit – especially because he had passed out, it was possible that his system had collapsed … 

Only when Martin seemed secure, Douglas allowed himself the freedom to slip out of his jacket for a bit of comfort. With a sigh, he placed it over Martin’s unresponsive body. He gave his shoulder a squeeze and let it linger – if it was only to comfort himself by reminding him that Martin was still here.

Suddenly, Douglas felt someone usher him to the side. “He’s fine,” Douglas mumbled, trying not to leave Martin’s side.

When he looked up, he saw a medic, who looked reassuringly at him and stated. “I am sure he is. But we need to take a look.”

Douglas let out a breath and stepped aside, letting her work. “He has to be,” he mumbled to no-one particular and tried to shake off the feeling that started to spread in his stomach.

* * *

Douglas sat on the bench in the dressing room, shaking his head while he tried to unbutton his soaked shirt. He still couldn’t believe what had happened to him when Martin had passed out – the world had felt odd and out of place and all of that because of Martin.

“Here,” Douglas heard, and when he looked up he saw Martin standing in the doorway, holding his jacket in his hands. “I still had it.”

During the rest of the day, he had completely forgotten that he had given it to him. He couldn’t even recall if Martin had worn it – why would he, it would be ill-fitting and Martin would never wear a jacket with only three gold stripes. Yet, the mental imagine of Martin’s lithe frame in his oversized jacket, brought a small smile on his face.

“Thanks,” Douglas mumbled, trying to play his smile of as kindness. He took the jacket and regarded it for a moment. “At least one garment that didn’t get trenched.”

“I don’t think that only wearing the jacket is protocol,” Martin joked as he saw how stiff Douglas moved in his wet clothes.

Just so, Douglas managed to stop himself from laughing. “You’d know.”

Douglas waited a moment for a response but when nothing came, he asked “Are you feeling all right again?”

“I am very … erm …. I mean that you carried me … I don’t mean …” Martin began to stutter while he nodded. “It’s just that I … what I am trying to say …”

“Martin!” Douglas cut in between, knowing that there was almost no other way to stop him from continuing like this.

At least it brought him back to his senses, and so only a very sheepish sounding “thank you” left Martin’s mouth.

Douglas couldn’t help himself and smiled softly at him. “You are welcome.” Then he added, “And I am glad that you are all right.”

Martin returned his smile. For a while Douglas waited if there would be a response but nothing seemed to come out of him. So he looked at his wet and cold clothes and then back at Martin who got the hint.

“Right … I’ll … I’ll leave you to it,” Martin stated as he left the dressing room.

As soon as the door fell shut behind him Douglas cursed himself “Arg!”

_It couldn’t be!_ But realisation had struck him … he was in love with Martin. Douglas wasn’t even sure how that even happened. He couldn’t even tell when he had started to take comfort in Martin’s presence. When it had become obligatory to have him on the flight deck. Without Martin there, it seemed unbearable. Just a bit sadder and more boring than he would be used to.

And of all the people in world to choose from … Martin was the one his heart decided to go for?! Couldn’t it be someone easier? Someone who couldn’t mess him up?

Douglas shook his head, scoffing at his own sentimentality. It had been years since he had felt that. If he was honest, he hated it. He hated the control that this feeling took away from him. It was as if someone had crawled inside of him, holding a dagger to his heart and at any moment’s notice could kill him. Just a step away from being messed up. 

What if today had been true? What if Martin was in danger at some point? It would break Douglas, and he found himself at a loss what do with those feelings now. 


	2. Chapter 2

Douglas blinked rapidly while trying to wrap his mind around the story Arthur was telling. Arthur’s mind was a strange place but by the sound of it, his weekend had been even stranger. Arthur’s story could easy beat anything Martin could have ever dreamed up under stress, and even sadder was that this was not a product of imagination. 

“And as we crossed the road, I was sure that I saw …”

Douglas looked at Martin for help - his face was a mixture of confusion and slight disgust. This often happened when Arthur was left to talk without stopping him. Douglas was sure that his own facial expression wasn’t any different. There was an unspoken agreement between Martin and Douglas that if one of them didn’t do anything soon, the other was going to crash the plane on purpose.

And yet, Douglas valued his life, and crashing a plan to stop Arthur from talking was not the blaze of glory he had intended to go out in. So when Arthur stopped for breath, Douglas saw an opportunity and cut in with, “So Martin! What did you do on the weekend?”

Douglas was aware that Martin probably hadn’t done anything aside from his Man With A Van business – which was often the reason they didn’t exchange weekend stories. However, this was an emergency situation and anything would help to side-track Arthur. Even if Martin lied it was better than … this.

Luckily, Douglas’ worries had been unfounded because as soon as he had asked the question, Martin’s faced flush with relief. “Well Douglas,” Martin began using a slow and elaborate tone. “I went to the Duxford Air Museum.”

“Now that’s a surprise,” Douglas mumbled, he simply could not help it.

“Douglas!” Martin shot back and rolled his eyes. At least, he wouldn’t abandon Douglas because despite it, he went on with his story before Arthur had a chance to talk. “They have a new airplane on display.”

Maybe because he felt a little guilty for being sarcastic all though he had asked the question, Douglas encouraged him by asking, “which one?” He had to wait and see if having to listen to Martin talk about aeroplanes was better or worse than listening to Arthur.

“It’s an Atlas Cheetah,” Martin stated but his tone had taken on a cautious note. It seemed that he was only waiting for a cutting remark from Douglas. This time, he would keep them to himself and indicated that Martin should go on. “It’s from South Africa and was produced by Atlas Aircraft Corporation. The South African Air Force had commissioned it.”

“Oh Skip! That sounds brilliant!” Arthur shot in between, almost bursting from excitement. “Was a real cheetah the pilot?”

Douglas closed his eyes and took a deep breath to stop himself from laughing out loud. “No Arthur,” he replied – his voice smooth and calm but even he noticed the hint of amusement. “I think not.”

“Naw,” Arthur sounded disappointed but there is nothing they could do about that.

“Correct me if I am wrong Martin?” Douglas told him, finally the smile breaking through on his face.

To respond, Martin only shook his head. Then he launched into a lecture about the airplane, going into detail about the making, the history, and its use. It was so detailed that Douglas knew that he must have spent the whole day in the museum. There were bits of information that you could not find on the internet.

Despite the fact that Douglas tuned out halfway through he never stopped paying attention. It was only his focus that shifted – from his words towards the way Martin’s eyes lit up with excitement. He seemed unstoppable right now, and for once, Douglas had no intention of stopping him. After all he liked the small flush that spread across his cheeks while he spoke. What he liked even more was the implication that Martin was comfortable enough to endlessly ramble on about a topic he loved.

Douglas couldn’t help but think that it was utterly adorable and the more Martin spoke the more adorable it became. This was not helped by the fact that he had to ignore the urge to lean forward and kiss his adorable little cheeks. Just feel his lips on them, and maybe, hopefully, making him blush even more.

“Ah damn,” Douglas mumbled as he stopped his train of thought.

“What?” Martin asked, irritated that he had been interrupted. When Douglas didn’t answer fast enough, irritation turned into concern that maybe something was wrong with the plane.

Douglas cleared his throat, and if there was one moment where he needed to deploy his well-honed skill of “lying his arse off” it was now. “I thought I saw the aux warning light come on.”

Martin looked over their dashboards and shook his head. “It’s not on anymore.”

_No really. _He bit the comment back and shrugged his shoulders. “You know GERTI, she has her weak moments. It seemed to have solved itself.”

Since it was not unusual for GERTI to act up and then push on like nothing had happened, Martin doubled checked everything and then nodded in agreement.

Douglas let out a breath. GERTI wasn’t the only one with weak moments, he scolded himself. Ever since he had noticed the blip of affection he had felt for Martin in Ipswich, he couldn’t stop it. He noticed again, and again when it happened. Sometimes it was the way he felt protective when another person was relentlessly bullying Martin. Other times it was when he’d see the lovely and cute shade of red on his cheeks. And what even was it that Douglas thought was endearing about Martin stuttering? Was he really this far gone?!

_Fine! _Douglas thought to himself bitterly. _I am in love with Martin. He is my captain, co-worker and friend … so what now?_

He knew that the answer was nothing. He couldn’t do anything with these emotions, he barely had a chance to find a new job – and even so, he did not want to – and he knew that his love was unrequited – and there were so many reasons he could fill a whole book. The only thing he could realistically do was wait it out …

Douglas shook his head, if it weren’t so sad, this situation would almost be funny.

“What is it?” Martin asked.

“Hm?” Douglas looked up, not sure what he had said this time. 

“Is it another warning light?”

“No,” Douglas reassured him. “I am just thinking.” Before Martin could ask him about what, Douglas decided to side-track. “You really enjoy that air museum.”

“Yes,” Martin answered slowly.

“I am glad,” Douglas was honest. “I’ve never actually been.”

This time it was Martin’s turn to shake his head. “Maybe … we can go together some day.”

_Oh great, a whole day of watching you ramble on about things that you love and adore and me only falling deeper in love like an idiot. _

Of course, he couldn’t say any of that out loud. At the same time, he didn’t want to shoot Martin down. Before Douglas had a chance to come up with a response, ATC cut in between telling them to contact Nice Approach. Then Arthur trundled back into the flight deck with their coffees only to be followed by Carolyn, explaining the ins and outs of what to do and even more pointedly what not to do. By the time they were alone again, Douglas thought Martin had already forgotten about the offer.


	3. Chapter 3

“Yes, I’m … sorry to say this, Douglas,” Martin stuttered. “… but sometimes you are unprofessional.”

Douglas couldn’t help but clench his jaw at the remark. “Shall we drop the subject?” Douglas suggest, after all there was stark difference between playing their little in-flight games and being unprofessional.

However, Martin didn’t and if Douglas wouldn’t know it any better, he’d wonder if he was taking the piss out of him. Oh no, Douglas knew what the truth was … One pretty woman in fancy dress caters to his stupid ego and Martin lights up like a shitty Christmas tree.

“… as your captain to let you know when you’re getting into _bad habits_.”

_Idiot._ Douglas had almost laughed at calling that a bad habit, that wasn’t even anywhere near the tip of the iceberg.

“And it was unprofessional to do the film game on real, live passengers.”

“You said, >Let’s hear it.<”, Douglas pointed out his hypocorisms, willing to shut him up. Convenient for Martin, he chose to overhear that comment.

Instead he decided to criticize Douglas’ flying abilities. “… low-speed manoeuvres in the Arctic! Which would be very unsafe for us!”

Douglas felt the tension built up in his shoulder. Fine, if Martin wanted to play dirty … He was the last person who should comment on his flying. Douglas was a good pilot and one who had been doing this job for longer than he had. “It’ll be perfectly safe, so long as I’m the one doing it.”

The last piece of his patience snapped a few moments later. Enough was enough. It had been harmless fun, and he would not take being called a rubbish pilot. Nobody dared to call him unprofessional when it came to his ability. Even Martin was not allowed to do that. Actually he was the last person allowed to do so.

He might be his captain, but Douglas had always assumed that they had equal respect for their jobs. Never mind that Douglas had more experience, and that he would disregard all of this experience because of a joke …

“Of course you know what the actual definition of a professional is, don’t you?” Douglas cut him off.

“I’m just …”

“What actually separates professionals from amateurs.” Two could play this game, and Douglas was willing to break him into pieces in order to win it. “It’s being _paid_ to do the job. The way Carolyn pays _me_ and doesn’t pay _you_.”

Silence stretched in the flight deck, until Martin asked quietly, “pre-take off checklist, please?”

“Certainly, Captain.”

Martin should have learned by now that there were certain things that he should not touch on. This had been one of them and if he didn’t want to learn this the easy way … Right now Douglas was more than willing to make him pay via the hard way.

* * *

_Manage me! Manage ME! _Douglas cursed inwardly. His gaze was set as he trundled through the cabin in search of the lemon. If it wouldn’t be so offensive, Douglas could have almost laughed at the notion of Martin _managing _Douglas. He couldn’t even believe that he had said that. Who the hell did he think he was?!

At the moment, Douglas really considered if he would be able to pick Martin up and snap him into two. He reckoned that it was possible. And he knew that he shouldn’t think about a friend this way, but then again, friends respected each other and sometimes even bothered to show such respect. Martin had done none of this …

_“_Why did he have to fall in love with him?!” Douglas moaned under his breath, as he reached the rear end of the plane.

Douglas couldn’t believe that he even let himself fall for Martin. At his age he should have known better. Love was not just a funny and gooey feeling when he’d manage to make Martin laugh. It was also this … a horrible feeling when someone who had gotten under his skin decided to rip him apart. Douglas should have known better, he should have blocked everything. The moment his mind tried to argue with “maybe, what harm can it do?” he should have stepped in. And yet, he still hasn’t learned from his prior mistakes – two broken marriages and counting …

There he found a little lemon dangling from a little string where the air freshener should be. At least that image brought a smile in his face. It was this little smile that brought Douglas back to reality.

Maybe he was doing Martin a bit of a disservice … He didn’t know that Douglas was in love with him and thus a bit sensitive. If it was anyone’s fault that he had fallen in love in the first place, it wasn’t Martin’s. It was his own.

It was so frustrating to watch Martin become … that ego ridden bastard when a stranger stroked his ego. As if their own words were not enough. Douglas knew that Martin was a good pilot, especially given where he had started, and why couldn’t Martin be sure of that as well? No, he needed the boot-licking of a stranger. While it was annoying, Douglas could live with that but Martin didn’t need to tear him down to feel better.

Douglas sighed, maybe one day he could find the words to explain why critising his ability as a pilot rubbed the wrong way. He knew that today wasn’t that day. Maybe it wouldn’t come in years …

However, he knew that he could fix their little feud today. At least if Martin would play along and, with a bit of trickery, Douglas might be able to get some amusement out of this for himself.

So when he returned to the flight deck to present the lemon, he also offered Martin a truce … of sorts.


	4. Chapter 4

“Were you really fired because of steeling?” Martin broke through Douglas’ train of thoughts. If there was anything he even wanted to think of less, it had been his unfavourable ending at Air England. He didn’t want to remember it, and even less have to talk about it. It had been the lowest point in his life …

To get Martin off his back, he responded with a vague, “more or less.”

Then he turned his attention back towards trying to unravel Gordan’s plan. Something wasn’t adding up, he just had to figure out what.

“More or less?” Martin responded, clearly not getting the hint. Douglas might as well be talking to Arthur.

“Mhm.”

Then there was silence. Maybe question time was over and Douglas could return to …

“And Carolyn still hired you?!” His tone was high-pitched.

_Great. Here we go._ It was as sensible question to ask given all the information available. MJN Air was a crash-strapped company. While the Talisker affair was harmless fun, even Carolyn wouldn’t go as far as hiring someone who is known for theft – no matter for how little money he would offer his services as a pilot.

Douglas considered all of the possible ways to get out of this situation. He could always insult Martin – more than taking the piss on him, downright insult him so that he’d leave the topic alone. However, this might cost him their friendship, and Douglas valued it. Furthermore, it was his own personal failing and past, so he shouldn’t let it out on Martin. For a moment, he considered if Martin would drop the subject if he asked him to. Douglas feared that this would end in Martin spinning wild theory, labelling him unprofessional and a failure until, once again, it would escalate in some way.

“Fine …” Douglas told himself and let out a deep breath. He mentally steeled himself, willing to keep this conversation distanced and professional. “Do you remember your interview with Carolyn?”

At those words, Martin’s eyes went wide, so Douglas took that as a yes.

“Was there also this moment, when you knew it would all go to waste and her smile would become all …”

“Sharky?” Martin tried to fill in. So Douglas assumed that he knew of this situation as well.

“Not the word I would have used but yes.” He waited a moment before admitting. “My interview wasn’t that different.”

The disbelief on Martin’s face would have been funny in any other situation. “What you?!”

Douglas tried to ignore the knot that formed in his stomach. He tried not to guess what Martin was thinking of him right now.

“Yes, me …” Douglas rolled his eyes. Better to get this over with right now and then forget that this moment had ever existed. “It’s not favourable when your reference from your last employer contains >he’s a good pilot, flew thousands of miles, oh … and have we mentions he has sticky fingers?<. Yes, nobody, not even Carolyn, hires a thief. I pride myself with my people skills and could tell that … the conversation wasn’t exactly tilting in my favour.” Douglas sighed, and bit his lips. “I have two daughters … I wanted to marry again, and come close to going back to a normal life. I really needed the job.”

Douglas stopped talking, not really sure how to explain the next part. He knew that he didn’t want to. After all, he had spent years of his life trying to forget about it, and keeping it from everyone.

“Did you … start to beg?”

“Martin!” Douglas scoffed, hoping to sound offended. “What are you thinking of me?”

Luckily, this had a wanted effect, and Martin started to flush and stutter over an apology. At the very least, this brought a smile onto Douglas’ face. He couldn’t help but wonder if that had been Martin’s way to give him a helping hand. After all, personal honesty wasn’t exactly Douglas’ forte. He wasn’t sure how he felt that Martin knew that as well.

When Martin was done stuttering, Douglas returned to the topic and explained, “I told her the truth of what had happened at Air England and that that man hadn’t been me. I was trying to be different then, and now I am.”

Then Martin asked what Douglas had been dreading. “And … what really happened at Air England?”

In this moment, Douglas did not know how it would be possible to soften the truth. There was no way to say this gently. As soon as those words would leave Douglas mouth, Martin would see him for what everyone at Air England had seen him back then: unprofessional, weak, pathetic, and a drunk. The last things you want the man you are in love with to relate with you.

However, Carolyn was the only other person who also knew the truth and she had seen the good in him. She had given him a chance despite everything. So maybe Martin would too …

“I flew drunk,” Douglas admitted. As soon as the words left his mouth, Douglas tensed. The truth was out and he wasn’t equipped to deal with this situation. He didn’t want Martin to ask any more questions, so he went on talking – his voice taking on a panicked note, “I wasn’t shit-faced. I have never done that but who really knows how far I would have gone, hadn’t I been reported.”

Then his shoulders fell as he realised how desperate these times had been. “It wasn’t the best part of my life, and one I am really not proud of, but back then there were days when I couldn’t face the world without the alcohol numbing it.” This time he sounded quiet and defeated, which was quite fitting for the situation.

“Douglas …” Martin began softly, but Douglas shook his head. He didn’t want the pity, he wasn’t sure how to react to anything other than disgust.

“I did steal from Air England,” Douglas elaborated. “It had been drink. And once I had been reported I tried to get sober but there were …” Douglas weighed his words before continuing. “… setbacks. After one too many, HR _reluctantly _let me go but as a favour claimed that I had only been stealing.”

“You would have lost your license otherwise,” Martin assumed correctly.

Douglas nodded.

“I swear, Martin,” Douglas went on, wanting to say this before his voice would break. He felt that he was close to the point by now. “I never did _anything _like that again. I ---“

“I know, I know.” Martin cut him off by resting his hand on his shoulder.

Douglas let out a deep breath, trying to remove the tension from his whole body. It was to no avail. At the moment, he wished for nothing more than to remove this piece of information from Martin’s head. He didn’t even want to consider what that might chance in their dynamic. The way Martin must think of him now: pity? Disgusted? Even hatred? All the feelings he had felt himself …

He just wanted things to remain as they had been. With them in the sky side by side but there were many obstacles right now, one was a broken GERTI, and there wasn’t much Douglas could do about that. Maybe he could still do something about his relationship with Martin, so in a desperate attempt he tried to get their word game going again, “Guildford to Ilford.”

He hoped that Martin would pick up the cue. To Douglas’ delight he did and offered an over-eager prompt of “Hong Kong to …”

As the pause stretched, Douglas dared to look at him and felt a small smile forming on his face. He was quite fond of this fool. And maybe things would be all right after all.

“… itself?”

“You mean, from Hong to Kong?”

“No, forget it.”

Douglas knew that he wouldn’t. This had been one of the kindest things Martin had done for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that technically the "Gordon makes his offer" scene is before the Hong to Kong but at the time of writing, I had mixed it up and now I couldn't fix it so let's roll with that. ;)


	5. Chapter 5

On any ordinary day, Douglas would hate a long stretch of silence on the flight deck but today had been anything but ordinary. They had landed on only one engine, thought that MJN Air had come to an end, then discovered that Gordon had tried to play them for suckers, and Douglas had been forced to open up about something deeply personal to him.

A part of him warned him that he couldn’t come out of this unharmed. Something was still meant to go wrong. Since MJN Air was still intact and GERTI flew in the sky, it had to be Martin. He couldn’t just accept what Douglas had told him in St. Petersburg. There was meant to be a response, and not a good one. It was simply how these things always turned out.

However, when Douglas look to the side – ready to spot disgust on Martin’s face, he saw nothing but a co-pilot busy reading the altitude dial who then looked contently out of the window. 

This was wrong. Martin should hate him after everything he had learned about Douglas today. Take him aside and give him a stern lecture that he was the captain and if he ever drunk a drop of alcohol again … Douglas sighed. He was being absurd. Martin did not hate him because of the past. He also did not only tolerate this part of his past, instead he simply accepted it without any judgement. To say the least, it was confusing. Something was bound to go wrong now, Douglas was flying to close to the sun. “Hmm.”

“What was that?” Martin asked absently. When Martin didn’t get a response he turned towards Douglas and after a moment of silent confusion he said, “Sorry, I thought you had said something.”

Douglas opened his mouth to deny this but then closed it again. He only shook his head slightly.

“Are you all right, Douglas?” Martin asked, his voice soft now.

A sigh escaped Douglas as he noticed the tone. He wasn’t sure what was messing with his head. He guessed that he would be soon but not right now. “I was only thinking.” he mumbled seldom.

“Do you need any help with that?” Martin offered.

“No, I am not Arthur,” Douglas joked which brought a smile onto Martin’s face. Then he nodded and turned back towards his controls. It still surprised him how well they worked together without the need to explain their ways. Over the years, they had simply become accustom to one another and developed their own language.

If only they had the ability to express these things unspoken went further. If only there was a way Douglas could show his appreciation and to a certain degree his distress without having to use conventional words.

“Martin?” Douglas asked slowly.

The use of his first name already spoke volumes, and Martin sensed that as well. He turned towards him. “Yes?”

Douglas hadn’t considered how to approach the topic and was still struggling to put the sentence together in his head. Yet Martin gave him the time he needed.

“You know that I don’t find it easy to be open about my …” Douglas stopped for a moment, trying to find the word that fitted best.

“Emotions?” Martin offered.

Douglas shook his head and corrected him. “Personal matters.” This sounded more eloquent and put a distance between him and the issue.

At that Martin nodded and without hiding the sarcasm in his voice, he responded with “You know, it has come to my attention.”

Douglas smiled at him, glad that he had chosen this tone. It helped him unwind and so Douglas approached the topic directly. “What I told you at the airport … about my exit from Air England …”

Before he could go on he was cut off by Martin who had gone into overdrive. “Douglas, if you are thinking that I … I … that I would use this … to … erm … embarrass you or as …”

“Martin, no,” Douglas cut him off and tried to bring him down. They both knew that what had been said was different from all the other embarrassing personal problems they teased each other about.

Since Martin was nowhere near stopping, Douglas reached across the centre console and placed a hand on his arm. This had the desired effect and Martin slowly quietened down while his eyes travelled from his arms, towards Douglas’ hand until he reached his face.

“Martin?” Douglas asked softly.

“Yes?”

Martin looked like a cornered cat, so Douglas put him out of his misery and simply instructed him with, “shut up.”

Martin nodded. At least not having to listen to the sorry spectacle of Martin stuttering through a sentence would make his explanation easier.

“What I was going to say was that …” Douglas began. “… I am glad you don’t think any less of me because of what I confined in you at the airport.”

Martin was already opening his mouth to interrupt Douglas, so he stopped him with a simple, “shush, I am not done yet.” In response only a small and quiet apology made it out.

“I may not always show it but I like being a pilot and I like flying. I _wanted _to be a pilot as well – not a doctor. I also take pride in this job, and …” He couldn’t bear to look Martin in the eyes for the next part and opted for the pin on his shirt. “… it’s important to me that you trust me and consider me a reliable one as well.”

Douglas paused for a moment, letting those words sink in. Then he added, “I can only hope that what I did those years ago – when I was completely different man – hasn’t changed that opinion.”

Since this was all that Douglas wanted and could say, he let go of Martin and leaned back in his chair. “You can talk now.”

Douglas expected Martin to lunge into another lecture of awkward stuttering but what he got was far worse. It was deafening silence. He closed his eyes in defeat. He shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe he had missed a stop sign and had badly misunderstood the situation and Martin.

“Douglas?” Martin began slowly, and Douglas opened his eyes but refused to look at him. “I don’t think of you any different than before.”

As soon as he heard those words, Douglas felt the tension leave his body.

“And I can’t tell you that you are a good pilot because your ego doesn’t need more stroking.”

Douglas had to laugh at that remark. From that moment on, he knew that they were back in business and nothing had changed.

“But …” Martin began. “… I do value you as a pilot and a friend.” He added quietly.

Douglas nodded. He wasn’t sure what to feel or even what he was feeling at the moment. There were so many emotions that they started to drown each other out and in the end, he felt nothing.

“Douglas? Why are you telling me all of this?” Martin asked him.

However, it was not an uncomfortable feeling, he was simply … overwhelmed. Douglas closed his eyes and exhaled loudly. “Because I am in love with you.”


	6. Chapter 6

The silence that took residence in the flight deck could almost fool Douglas that he hadn’t responded to Martin’s question; that he had not told him that he was in love with him. Maybe these words had only been in his head. He could almost believe it.

Almost wasn’t good enough, and the tension between them had been a witness to those events. Right after these words had slipped out of his mouth, Douglas knew that something had changed. He couldn’t crack a joke about it and move on – as it was far too sacred.

While a small part of him had always clung onto the idea that Martin might return his feelings, the longer he stayed silent the wider the crack in Douglas’ heart became. Douglas shouldn’t have said it. He should have never meant it either. He had lost control, and let his mask slip only for him to bring down their carefully developed friendship. 

Martin only broke the silence to announce that they were approaching Fitton airport, and Douglas changed the radio frequency. After confirmation, Douglas opened his mouth to say something. He wanted to shake Martin to get a sound out of him. Even being told that Douglas was a pillow-biter, pervert, and loser would have been more favourable than harsh silence. At least, it would have confirmed that he still had a place in Martin’s life; even if one filled with hatred.

However, he kept his response formal. “Descending to 3000 feet.” 

This was not the time and the place to confront Martin. Douglas knew that it was his fault all the same. He shouldn’t have allowed to let things go so far. Instead he should have buried and burned all those feelings as soon as they had appeared. If there was one person who could do it, it was Douglas. He had chosen against it, and even indulged into his silly and soft feelings – creating a mess as he had gone along.

* * *

After the landing and post-landing checklist was completed, Douglas could feel the opportunities slip away. If he wouldn’t at least try now, he thought that Martin was going to be gone forever. Now that he had already dared this far, Douglas would be damned if he sacrificed their friendship as well.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then?” he offered as he got out of his seat to grab his bag. He knew that it was a weak effort but maybe if Martin could talk to him like a normal person. 

However, Douglas might as well be a ghost to him. Had he died during the flight? Because right now it felt like this … The sheer amount of disrespect Martin was displaying was more than he could stand. Why couldn’t he at least look at him? Then Douglas could explain that he would never say anything like this again, he’d even offer to cut him out of Martin’s life if that was what he wanted! The moment right now – when Douglas was simply not seen as another human being by Martin – was more than he could take.

So he dropped his bag to the ground. He knew that it was relatively heavy and the impact made Martin jump. Finally, a human reaction!

“Ah, I got sir’s attention now,” Douglas spat out, making sure that every word was dripping with sarcasm. “There goes your plan to ignore me until the end of the time. I promise I won’t ever say it again but at least, show an ounce of respect!”

He wasn’t sure what he expected but when Martin scoffed, he felt anger build up inside his chest. What he would give to throw his last piece of self-control away and scream until the pressure started to fade away into nothing. How could he misjudge someone so badly?!

“I’m only human!” Douglas defended himself. Did Martin really resent him for feelings he didn’t have control over?! Feeling he had promised to never let him influence again? The same feelings, Douglas wished he would have never had in the first place! “I am not perfect, I admit it! But neither are you!”

The last comment slipped out before he could stop himself. He wanted to make the comment sting, and if it was just to return some of the hurt Martin made him feel right now.

“I just don’t think that it’s funny!” Martin shouted back.

Douglas let out a laugh. “What?! What’s funny about …” He couldn’t finish the question because Martin cut him off.

“That you are making fun of my feelings like that!”

Suddenly, the world seems to stand still. Douglas couldn’t even process the thoughts in his head. Martin couldn’t possible mean that ….

“Are you saying …” Douglas began, hearing his own voice waver.

“Forget it!” Martin shot back quickly and jumped out of his seat. Douglas knew this behaviour, he wanted to make a quick exist. “I … I know that it’s no … not appropriate … and … and like you said … I am me and hardly ….”

_Please don’t say it! _

“… perfect.”

Douglas could have hit himself. This could not be happening right now! Maybe it could have all worked out wouldn’t Douglas be like that. Now he only watched the moment slip through his fingers. If there was one thing that Douglas wouldn’t stand for right now, it was losing control of this. Just letting this chance slip by. He’d be damned!

“You’re in love with me.” Even Douglas couldn’t tell if it had been a statement or a question.

“I am trying very hard not to be,” Martin responded – still avoiding any eye-contact.

Douglas ignored the pain that this comment should have brought with it. “I am also in love with you,” he stated. If it wasn’t now, when was the time to be honest about this?

Martin shook his head and tried to walk past Douglas. However, Douglas stretched out his arm, blocking his exit. “I am,” Douglas enforced.

“Douglas, please.” Martin begged. Douglas knew that he shouldn’t corner Martin but he really needed him to understand. This wasn’t a joke to him. It never had been! For the first time since they had landed, Martin held eye-contact with him.

Douglas wasn’t sure what he was seeing, but he could see his body visibly relaxing. He had stopped to think and as a result swallowed hard. He knew the battle that was raging inside Martin’s head – one side wanting to believe that all of this could be true. The other was trying to protect him by shutting all hopes and dreams down. 

“I truly am,” Douglas stated again, his voice soft. He wanted to give all this kindness and warmth to Martin, and gently placed a hand on his cheek. The other man did not flinch away, and Douglas felt surprise at how soft and smooth his skin felt against his rough hand.

He let out a deep breath, his eyes fixating on Martin’s lips and as he moved closer neither flinched back. He paused mere inches before their lips would have met, only for Martin to close the gap. There was no hesitation, instead Martin leaned slightly against him.

Douglas wasn’t sure how much time had passed when the parted again. He kept his eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of his breath against his lips, and willed for a few more seconds of bliss.

“Oh my god you …” Martin began to stutter. “… you are in love with me!”

Douglas opened his eyes. Martin’s face was completely flushed and he looked shocked albeit happy.

“It appears that I am,” Douglas used his usual smooth tone, finally starting to feel like himself again.

“And … and … and …” Martin continued to stutter and paced in the cabin. This time, Douglas didn’t attempt to stop him. “I’m … feeling the same for …” There was a pause in which Martin seemed to consider what to say next. He finished the sentence with a simple “… you.”

“Always the poet,” Douglas teased him and couldn’t help but smile at him. “Shakespeare looks like an amateur next to you.” 

“Douglas!” Martin told him off – the same way he did when Douglas was pushing his luck. It was part of their natural communication. One Douglas had come to cherish dearly.

Martin let out a deep breath, and Douglas walked up to him. After a small nudge, he looked up at him. “What are we going to do about this now?” Martin asked quietly.

Douglas shook his head. He didn’t have an answer. “I don’t know.” He only knew that he didn’t want to let this opportunity pass, and as long as Martin allowed him to be in his life, he was willing to try. “But we can figure it out.” 

As an answer, Martin nodded and took Douglas’ hand into his. In that moment, Douglas decided that maybe being in love wasn’t so bad after all.


End file.
